MEIQIN.
QIN
芩

it is always at this time of the year that i m gripped by this unknown sense of fear and uncertainty.

was just reading the testimonials that my ct sent over the email and i guess even though i have known it for a long time, this is the first time i have come straight into face with the fact that i pretty much wasted my 2 years so far in jc.

in all honesty. i hate to compare myself with others. i hate it when my parents compare me with other people or when anyone else compares me with anyone in general. but at the same time, i cant help to look at others around me and make those comparisons that will just make me pale in comparison so much more.

maybe this is some inferiority complex that i secretly have. was with huilin the other day and something that she said made sense. that somehow when we judge ourselves, we always seem to be a lot harsher or more critical.

i guess in a way. i m critical of myself for all the wrong things in life and is not critical of myself for all the things which i should be. which somehow leads me to be convinced that i m somewhat superficial and only see things in the skin deep manner as i see, which is the very thing that i always tell myself not to do.

i came to a conclusion long time ago that i m a hypocrite. as with that conclusion i came to see everyone as hypocrites with the exception that maybe i rank a little higher on the hypocrisy chart than average. a lot of times i find myself trying to be someone that i m not even if that makes me be the someone that i want to be. its all these pretense that i put up for so long that i have forgotten who exactly i m before and its really confusing because at the end of everything, i feel so lost that i dont even know how far i have came, or perhaps, even regressed.

it seems that these days. i m not even going through the motions as i would. there is no more motion for me to go through because i m totally rebelling against going through those motions. i dont want any motions in my life. i want things i do willingly and things that i will do with zeal and not end of with complains that will result in me ranting and whining about how life sucks and how i hate myself for throwing myself into this crappy abyss that i cant get out of.

where exactly did i first take the wrong step? or where exactly have i started to lack in resolve to press on with what i m doing. i m not even doing anything right and i m sick and tired of everything. so what about those who are so freaking sick and tired of doing everything right? i m nothing compared to them isnt it.

my alevels are in like half a month's time. or even less. but this is the first time so freaking near to the exam that i havent started to feel the suffocating stress. i know i m usually slow to feeling all stressed out but this like...different. its a whole new level of zen-like indifference that i think i will only start feeling something when i get my stupid result slips and see all the ugly Ds Es or even Ss.

so this is the damn result of what happens when you headbutt yourself into something that your know is going to end up wrong. everything just snowballs into this whole mountain of grievances and nothing ever gets corrected. i m now just waiting for the crash to happen.

it wont be a happy ending that i m foreseeing next year when i get my result slip. it will be a freaking miracle if i ever see anything remotely close to a nice result slip. i dont foresee anything olevel miracle to happen to me. and i will admit honestly that i dont think i would have gotten the grades i did for olevels if not for the fact that i was facing less competition. it made me complacent and now i m just stuck being the hopelessly dreamer that i m, wishing for the same miracle to happen again.

being a student freaking sucks. and i m not even near a hardcore mugger student and i find all these so damn tiring. i dont mug, i dont do my work, i dont bother my grades, i dont even go to lessons. honestly. i have no idea how i freaking muddled through my jc years. these 2 years could have been used somewhere else more productively and not being wasted like how i did.

i dont wish for a chance for time to rewind so that i can change my mistake. because i wont know whether i will get out of one mistake only to spiral into another bigger one. i just hope for a chance to redeem myself after all these crap that i stupidly put myself through.i regret no doubt but i cant do anything about before i have walked so far in that there is no way out.

and hours later i will come back here and wonder why i even did start to wallow in the good old cliched self pity just to make myself feel better.

绕了一大圈，最终还是回到了原点。

i m back.

back at the very place where i said was going to go. after half a year. i m still back.

i guess there are just too many things i cannot forget about with this blog. the attachment i feel to it even though i only had it since sec 3. but there's still something to hold on to here.

this is the only place i can find myself again.the self that was once happy and contented back in nanyang. and the self that has been lost ever since i have stepped into vjc.

was looking back at some of the posts. and its always nostalgic to do so. so much has changed in just a year plus. and looking back makes me crave for the past even more.

the present to me is just a big mistake. a burden that i piled onto myself and made it heavier with my own hands with each second. and this burden is threatening to crush me. and push me further into the mudpit that i have so stupidly stepped into.

call me weak. call me negative. everything happenes for a reason you say. and it certainly did. life has been too smooth sailing for me. and i m getting punished now that i have first tried taking my life into my own hands.

mistakes. mistakes mistakes.

i have never felt like i made so many mistakes in my life before. i have dropped into an abyss. so deep in that i find it hard to even try to stop the fall. let alone try to get out of it.

been thinking of turning back and restarting everything all over again. its all going so bad. and i cant foresee it picking up any sooner. there's just nothing for me to cling onto. nothing to keep me going all the time. there may be random spurs of drive. but momentary. they die out quickly. and i m left dangling. hanging on the edge. barely.

life has given me many chances to look back and undo what i have made. but i missed them too much. and there's no turning back now. its simply just pushing forward with what there is present. and try to make the best out of it.

i m not sure whether i can do it.

in a way. i feel alone. no pillar of support. no encouragement. yes there are people who care. but i have been too reliant on those who have been with me in nanyang such that somehow. i have shut people around me out that they can never reach the level on par with those from nanyang.

people who mean something to me now. people who mean something to me in the past. its different. and no matter how much i can let myself open up. its still different. i cant forget whats in the past.

or rather. i just keep on holding to the past. because the present now is so overwhelming. i desperately need something to hold on to or risk losing what has been in me.

its scary to live a life without a spark. without a passion burning through that can keep you going.

i cant seem to find that spark anymore. not even in the dreams that i always seek solace in. the many dreams that i have so many plans for.

everything is just going through the motion. no. its not even going through the motion. its trying to find a way to go around the motion because even the motion itself is so dreaded.

i m just trying to run away from everything. even though i have already sunk deep inside everything.

and its a vicious cycle forcing myself to go through everything each day. i end up hating it even more. and i end up not doing anything at all.

so many regrets. but no chance to remedy everything. this is life isnt it.


05. Reset - Super Junior
넌 이제 정말 아무렇지 않냐면서 넌 이따금 별 일 아닌 듯 내게 묻지
정말 내가 아무렇지 않아 보이니? 그러니?
난 아직도 너를 보면 가슴이 아파 금새라도 눈물이 쏟아질까 봐
애써 난 바보처럼 웃고 있는 걸 모르니?
이젠 어떻게 너와 내가 (다시 예전처럼 친구일 수 있니?) 정말 그럴 수 있니? 그런 거니?

Press the reset, press press the reset 난 널 너만을 보고 있는데
Press the reset, press press the reset 난 널 너를 잊을 수 없는데
Press the reset, press press the reset 내 앞에 서 있는 널 어떻게 놓으라는 거니?
Press the reset, press press the reset

그대여 무슨 말이라도 해요 그리움에 가슴속이 미어 그대도 그렇다고 tell me
내 심장이 멈춰버려 숨이 막혀 내 상처는 아물지가 않아
오늘도 그대 없는 빈자리 구석구석 가득히 눈물이 맺혀
혹시라도 그대 거기 올까 내 생각 가끔이나 할까 궁금해 미칠 것 같아
이런 내 맘 그대는 알까 사랑해 사랑해 약속할게 손 꽉 잡을게 미안해 미안해 돌아와줘 Press the reset

정말 우린 정말 돌아갈 수 없을까 그날 우리 처음 마주쳤던 그날로
그날로 돌아갈 순 없을까 제발 오 제발
어쩌면.. 혹시라도.. 만약에.. 너도 애써 나를 위해 웃고 있다면 정말 그런 거라면, 이제 돌아와

Press the reset, press press the reset 난 널 너만을 보고 있는데
Press the reset, press press the reset 난 널 너를 잊을 수 없는데
Press the reset, press press the reset 내 앞에 서 있는 널 어떻게 놓으라는 거니?
Press the reset, press press the reset

차라리 내가 떠나야 할까 이제 놓아주는 게 너를 위한 일일까 하지만
나를 용서해 그럴 수 없어 너를 잊을 수 없어 돌아와

Press the reset, press press the reset 난 널 너만을 보고 있는데
Press the reset, press press the reset 난 널 너를 잊을 수 없는데
Press the reset, press press the reset 내 앞에 서 있는 널 어떻게 놓으라는 거니?
Press the reset, press press the reset

this blog is going to go soon.

yeah yeah. i know i said this like dont know how many times before but still i have never put my words into action coz i always feel like i should keep this blog coz it has been with me since err...after OBS in sec 3.

but now i guess it is time for some change huh?(:

i have already created my new blog site after spending my entire afternoon wondering which site i should use. and yeah. i m happy with my new blog now. or rather. i m happy with my minihompy now.(:

yep yep. i m a proud user of cyworld now. (: haha.i have my minihompy. my miniroom. my mini-me.and yeah all the cute little things all cyworld users have. (: except that the interface is in chinese coz i signed up with the taiwan site. the china site only allowed prc user while the usa site's blog is like bleh. so i m on the taiwan one.

i have no idea why i m so happy about my new cyworld account.haha.but its pretty fun and i m currently trying to decorate all my mini-stuff. (:

ok that aside. PROMOS ARE FINALLY OVERRRRR~~~~

(:

but i will be frank to say that i m bordering on the getting retained group. haha. ok not that i m happy about it la.this whole promos has been nothing but kind of like a wake up call that came too late for me.

but whatever it is. until my results come back to me. i shall still bask in my happy little world that i m exam free for the rest of this year.

oh man i just realised that i have no idea how all those cute little functions of cyworld works! haha. seems like the skins are not permanent?like they will expire after sometime and i will have to purchase them. oh man. how m i going to purchase all those skins.

so that aside while i figure it out myself. i FINALLY went out with huilin yesterday. whahahahahahaha. though i oveslept and was late so we missed out on eating cheap mac breakfast and ended up eating ex mos burger meal instead. it was quite fun catching up la. haha. and i got a hooded striped caridgan! thats like 3 in 1 kind of thing and i liked all that aspects. (: and though we spent quite some time in the various book store reading various books. it was still fun la. and feeling a little out of place with all the foreigners around coz of the f1 thing around. haha. next time will be soon alright? haha. and the sushi buffet thing...i promised it so yeah. we will go eat it once i saved up yeah? (:

for now i will focus on doing my subbing stuff for noss. and try to update as much as my fics as possible. haha. this sucks la. i stopped writing for a few days coz of promos and now i cant seem to feel the same enthusiasm i had when i first started the fics. damn it.

anyway. if there is anyone who ever reads my blog. this is my cyworld url. i will be closing down the blog in a couple of weeks' time. or whenever i feel like i can do it. haha.

http://tw.cyworld.com/qin91

ignore the cute skin for now. i will change it when i figure out what i should do with it. haha. (:

最近写文写得太上瘾了，几乎到了无法自拔的地步。

几天前，终于在百度登了首个华文的文，而且还写虐文。其实虐文也不怎么的过分啦，但我还去挑战些BL的虐文。真是疯掉了。

我还真的会挖坑。一下就写了两个BL的文。一个英文的，一个华文的。老实说，还觉得自己有些变态狂的感觉。呵呵。满脑子的不是很纯洁的主意。真是的，这几天读了太多的H/SM类似的文。在看下去有可能真的学坏。

最近也特别抽风。不必说是谁了吧。前几个贴有说到的那5个男生。嗯。终于在星期四的M!net countdown拿了第一名哦！这是我第一次看到我支持的歌手拿第一，还真的有些激动。哈哈。5 各大男生，哭的哭，笑的笑，含泪的含泪，看了真感人。

抽了那么多风，当然也意味着我这几天来到底有没有在用功啦。唉，也不知道该怎么才好。干脆去撞墙算了，都已经开始考试了却没有一幅在备考的样子。

此时此刻有好多东西想要做啊！真想不用考试就行了。可是……嗨，学生就是学生，真没法子啊。

桌子上一大堆笔记，读了老半天，什么也记不起，都不知道考试当天怎么应付，只知道自己已经无法专心了。

教育啊教育，有时候真得很痛恨你，但有时候也感到很庆幸。就让我过关这一次，好不好？我明年会用功的。真的。今年嘛……就当作什么没发生。明年再来一个新的开始，不行吗？

life is all about a vicious cycle that is always on the repeat.

i was just thinking awhile ago when i was having my absolute writer's block and then this feeling of deja vu struck me.

i was like this a year ago.

ok maybe i m worse off now but its still somewhat similar.

lets take a look at this. a year ago at about this time.i posted my first fanfic on winglin.

yeah yeah. if you dont already know. i write fanfics. and i used to have 4 fanfics to my name until i discontinued one coz life got so busy.

but now looking at it. i might as well discontinue another one since i hardly ever update anymore.

anyway. i was inspired to write my first ever fanfic after reading petals in the wind which is an absolutely thrilling fic. seriously. the plot and everything is just so complex and intricate. i really salute the author for writing such a great fic. so yeah. because of that i was inspired to write take back the night which obviously has been a big challenge since it was my first time writing an english fanfic and i had stupidly tried to tackle an tricky plot.that was around september 2007 come to think of it.

oh yes i have dabbled in writing chinese fics before. i think when i was in sec 3? but then i stopped and they never did get published.

when i start on my first fic. it was damn exciting. going through the initial stages of having no reader to getting a handful of faithful readers who somehow just love the story even if it is ridiculous, the feeling was pretty good. like some sort of a recognition given even if no one really knows that its me who is writing it.

so i ended up writing a couple more fics on a spur of moment. one step forward...two steps back was ultimately abadoned because i didnt write it with a clear purpose of how i wanted to end it so it just got so tiring to try to squeeze something to write every time and even though the readers did like it, i wasnt satisfied with the way it was going. so i ended it.

then came before sunset which i had wanted it to be a great hit since i really thought about the storyline and i thought about the characters. and i went to do a little research on it. and i actually did like the way it was going. but then the thing was i got busy. busy with jc, busy trying to balance writing other fics. so busy that my passion for this story that i really liked had somewhat burned out.

but i will at least be proud that i have something that is completed to my name. a 4 parts short story that i completed in around march this year. i pretty much wrote it on a spur of moment. but i managed to complete it after much dragging as well.

so now all i have to my name as a fanfic author is one 43 chapters uncompleted but ongoing fic, one 3 chapters uncompleted but ongoing fic, one 4 part short story and an incomplete and abandoned fic.

i m going to add another one to my list of ongoing fics soon. a year after i have posted my first fic.

lets just say i havent been intending to write a new fanfic for very long since i have pretty much learnt my lesson of juggling too many fics at once and then not being able to cope and stuff.

that was when i read a chinese fic over at baidu a few days ago and damn, i got inspired.

so yeah. lets just say i have not been working on what i should work on for these few days.

but its really not been easy this time. i dont know why. as i work on something new and different this time i realised how tedious it is to write a fic.something that i never fully realise until now.

i had 50 pages worth of content in mircosoft words as of monday but at this very moment. i m reduced to just 3 pages.

over the course of 4 days i had written a lot. most of it just spontaneous writing and it actually worked until the 50th page. that was i stopped and reread everything again. and i found something wrong.

so from that 50th page it was reduced to 43. and from 43 i reduced it even further until i decided that it was not going to work and i opened a new document, copied over the prologue and tried to make some changes to it such that a new plot line can be conceived.

it worked for awhile. until i came to a mind block and i realised that it was never going to work out after all. so i opened another new document and i simply stared at the screen for a damn long time, trying to decide how in the world i m going to make this fic work.

i never went through this kind of stage with my first few fics.even with take back the night that is the longest fic with 43 chapters now i never did experience such a problem. possibly because i never really wanted to slow down to think if my fic was going the way i really wanted it.

but now i m back on track again. starting from scratch once more and rewriting every single chapter like i have never written them before. and i will probably find myself reading over everything once more and before i know it, some revamp will be on the way and i will find myself almost back at square one.

in a way. i guess life is like this. making decisions in the moment of spur and then when we regret it, we will find ourselves back in square one, restarting everything again. though yeah la. that actually dont happen coz when we regret its usually the end of it and we just got to move on.

my attitude towards writing fics should also be the attitude i take to view life. step by step. planning bit by bit. thinking over what has happened from time to time and then going back to correct or change what went wrong to make it better.

i know what i should do. but somehow i dont want to do it.

ok so before i even begin on anything. i m going to say that i m here to spazz so yeah. spazzing alert to those who dont like my music taste and all. go study for your promos or whatsoever while i indulge in my spazzy world openly this time.

so yay. i m here to spazz. like finally. i have been wanting to spazz ever since like june? heh. but i never got about to doing it coz its just so weird and all and i was like still trying to confirm whether i m going to turn a fangirl for a BOYBAND for the first time and all. which by the way. i dont mean those possesseive obsessive fangirls who will cry if their oppas get touched a girl's fingertip and stuff. so yeah.i shall be a sensible and objective fangirl of SHINee.

yeah weird name i know. like seriously SHINee? spelling mistake or something? i have no idea how the korean thing behind it works but its supposed to mean the one who shines or something like that and since it has a decent enough meaning i will let it pass. plus its pretty catchy too if you pronounce correctly (READ AS: SHINE -NEE) so there you have it. not dong bang shin ki not super junior not big bang not FT island or which ever other boybands. talking about SHINee here.

you know. i was just thinking the other day what is it about their songs that is so addictive and then i came to conclusion that they are smart at picking songs. look at their debut song for example.



replay replay replay~~~

you see whats so addictive about it. those repetive words. in all honesty. i wasnt all hyped about them. i was like damn another of those stupid boybands from sm. i thought they were too freaking young to have any talent and their promo photo wasnt exactly very eye catching so yeah. i didnt care about them.

but then. i just so happened to drop by shenyuepop one day and the editor was like commenting that they seemed to have potential and the song is pretty catchy. so yeah. i decided that there was no harm trying to watch their mv and poof. i was addicted to the song instantly. and so imagine my surprise when i watched their debut performance and realised that they sang LIVE. so yeah. i know it may not sound like a biggie. but so far all the sm groups that have debuted have not sang live for their first performance but these guys did. and the thing is they sound decent. if not good. so yeah change of perspective of them totally. not to mention that the song was really growing on me as the days passed.



oh and did i mention that they can dance well too. so yes. another tick in my books coz yeah. dancing is a must in my books for me to like a certain band. haha. and so yeah. the remix of the song grew on me too. oh and plus points. they wear hoodies! haha. if you know me well then you should know that i m a sucker for hoodies.

so that was like the first song i liked from them. making me feel like a paedophile when i think like wow. this guy is pretty sexy and hot when like 3 out of the 5 guys are like younger than me. pfft. but i never really thought of them as like 'manly' guys rather than boyish guys until i saw this.



ok so i m not a fan of ballads most of the time. especially if they are like long and draggy for me so i wasnt really a fan of the song at first when i knew that it was a ballad so i always skipped the track whenever it played. but this performance just did it for me. the guys, especially jonghyun(yeah the guy in the middle) were just so soulful in their singing that it was so beautiful. not the mention the live band was great la. it defintely added a new feeling to the song. and when they sang 'you were my sun, the moon' the first time i was like just...touched. they may not be as good as the veteran ballad singers out there since they are still young and all but you could tell that they were really into the song and that is what made the song so touching. and jonghyun's performance here was so good. it was my first time seeing him sing so soulfully.



so i was really blown away by this performance. like seriously. i watched this clip one night and the next morning when i woke up. jonghyun's adilbs of 'without you girl' just kept playing in my head all the time. granted. i couldnt understand for like 90% of the song coz the accent was pretty bad. but his vocals really made up for it.and for a rookie. you can definitely say that he has a lot of potential to become even better.



and then i began to realise the trend of them singing songs with certain repetive words. first it was the replay replay replay thing. and now they did a cover of ne-yo's song and went so because of you so because of you which is like catchy as well.and ignoring the english for the moment. i must say jonghyun's voice took the show once more. but onew's harmonising were great too. these 2 are seriously good vocalists.and i must add that thanks to these guys i got to know ne-yo's song too.haha.



them being dorks on a radio show singing super junior's rokkugo.i wont say its a good performance la coz it was pretty messy but they were obviously having fun while eunhyuk and eeteuk seemed to like it too? haha. rokkugo rokkugo rokkugo!



so it's shake shake shake this time. i heard the original version bt blackbeat before but i wasnt really a fan of that song. but shinee's version is just a tad different. i think jonghyun and onew made it worked. their vocals are better and their adlibs were so good. and i prefer key and minho's rapping voice too.and seriously.they made the songs sound like its written for them la.oh and notice they are all wearing hoodies? makes me envious coz i dont have hoodies.



nothing better, nothing better than you~seriously. this guy is good at singing or what? haha. he loves to sing. he's good at it. and people agrees that he's good at it and so he's like always singing. i wonder how many fangirls have like melted listening to his voice la. but anyway. i listened to the original version of this song too. and in all honesty. brown eyed soul's version was better coz its a lot more soulful than his. but jonghyun's version is really soothing coz its pretty pure when you are young and still inexperienced in love matters.



and so just last night. these guys did a special stage with seo inyoung and sang rihanna's umbrella. while i will admit that the lyrics are creative and the guys did try their best(man they made me forget that their average age is only 16). i m not a fan of the song and still wont be a fan of it even if SHINee covered it. haha. but yeah. the repetitive thing applies here too. but in a damn annoying form of 'l-l-l-a-a-a'



sesokanteun sesokanteun sasokanteun neo~~~ ah crap i think my romanisations are wrong but heck la. its another additive title track from them again as they did a comeback stage today on sbs with love like oxygen. i caught it on tvants! whahahahahaha.but that aside. they are seriously growing up fast. from noona neomu yeppo to this. big change in style ah. but shinee world sounds really different. seriously. they seem to be trying out all sorts of genre. which may or may not work for them. but luckily they are supposed to a contemporary band which gives them more room to experiment with styles i guess.

so yeah. this is pretty much it up till now. haha. only about 3 months since their debut with noona neomu yeppo and now they are out with their first full length album with love like oxygen as title track. plus they won the hot new star award last night too. i wasnt really looking forward to mkmf and sbs gayo awards this year but now i really hope they will win so i m going to anticipate these shows now.

SHINee fighting!(: haha. for being the first boyband that i like and also the only other artiste other than BoA that i find worthy of being a fangirl for.

i m probably going to feel embarassed the moment i publish this and when people sees this. but oh well. this is me and my spazzy little self.

and a little something to end this. if i m the person i was a year ago. watching this clip would defintely have spurred me on to work very hard.but oh well circumstances are different.

此时此刻的心情。。。也不知该怎么说才好。有些无言以对的感觉。但却不能否认自己心里那忐忑不安，七上八下的心态。面临每一天的开始，心里完全不是期待，而是害怕。

我开始厌倦这样的生活。

总觉得自己似乎失去了目标，迷失了方向。像一艏无助的小船，在无边无际的大海中，毫无目的地的漂浮着。即使想要靠岸，也是无法找到任何一座小岛停沱。

我似乎已经遗失了自我。

有时候，是真的真地想逃避这一切，想要摆脱这样的生活。而面对的现在命运给着的考验，也只不过是一个空虚的自己。

我真的好想每天生活在自己的梦幻世界里。

连日来，从来没有一日没有沉浸在自己的虚拟世界。即使心里知道是没有可能实现，但还是存留着那天真烂漫的幻想。

我从来都没有这么渴望要梦想实现。

时间一分一秒的流失。而在这个分秒必争的环境中，我感到有些窒息。周围的一切，似乎进展得太快太快，而我早已经被遗留在后，无法赶上一切。

我还是无法适应这新的环境。

只知道自己已经掉落了一个无底洞里，到了无法自拔的地步。

我已经无法分清自己是活在哪一个世界里。

此时此刻，突然感到内心的空虚。而单单是想到眼前所需要面对的一切，突然感到好累好累。

就让我继续活在自己的幻想中，过着一个完美的生活吧。